As humans, I think there is always a sense of "not enough" in us. Derived from our childhood or past, every day mistakes, lack of performance in certain areas, etc - all make us "feel" this uncomfortable feeling of not measuring up.
Then there are these seasons where you examine areas of your life, and you can clearly point to the lack. Places where you know better, and yet just don't keep up with what is necessary. The "not enough" feeling becomes more than an inadequacy battle and becomes reality. I am in this season.
In my personal health and wellness (body, soul, and spirit), in my work, in my parenting, being a wife, and probably every other area.
I am frustrated-even discouraged at my inability to keep up. I know what I need for health and wellness, and I am not implementing those things well. I need silence and solitude on a regular basis, and it is mostly nonexistent. I need water o plenty, fruits (yeah I am supposed to say veggies, but for now, I will stick with my daily banana), vitamins, way less eating out, and some form of regular light exercise. For my emotional health, I need to be writing, processing regularly, and confronting difficult feelings. Spiritually, I must have time with God, focused study, extended prayer times, and more.
Don't get me wrong, I am never fully and perfectly hitting all of those. However, in this season, my tank is empty, and my health is taking a hit. I wake up every morning with a list of things I am behind in, with personal frustration in regards to my lack.
And before you begin to offer platitudes to help me feel better, because you think - oh my goodness, we can't have Christan down in the dumps - let me stop you.
I am all about the "He's enough for you". "You don't have to be enough, because He is enough". "You will never be enough, but He is". That's great and everything. All about that grace.
But, let's get serious. Sometimes it's just literally not enough, because you are not making good choices or because you don't have the capacity or because you just don't have it in you. And so it's not the proverbial "I'm not enough". It's the, "no, like seriously, I know better and I'm not cutting it". Maybe it's just me who's been there? But I doubt it.
Shame is the ugly monster that drives me to perform better, harder, and faster. Shame in its ugliness whispers you just need to do things right and then all will be well. And, yet, it never turns out that way. When we try to make things better on our own without relying on our Savior, we inevitably cycle through the failure again.
But here is the thing, every day and many moments in the day-I hear a still small voice that gently whispers-"I've got you." So, I kick and scream and want to punch in walls because I am a hot mess in this season and I don't like it. But He says, even in the seasons of emptiness and "not enough" - I've got you. My love doesn't change and shift with the seasons of your life. It doesn't increase or decrease depending on how well you are doing or not doing. Always. In every season. I've got you.
Thank God His love covers a multitude of sin and failure. Thank God His love is whole even when I feel so broken.
It helps me be okay with own my brokenness. It helps me breathe deeply and say, it's okay. It's permission giving to just simply be "not enough" in the worst kind of way.
It's His loving kindness that draws me to humble repentance. When I have faltered and failed, I know He is waiting with open arms. There may be frustration and disappointment that I can't seem to keep up, that I'm an emotional wreck, and that I'm battling a boiling temper. Yet there is no shame.
There is no shame, because I know to whom I belong. And, I am okay not being okay in this season. Why? Not because I don't care, but because He's got me and He's got this. I am not alone.
Are you okay with not being okay sometimes? Do you believe God's love covers you every moment in every season? Does shame sit close trying desperately to drag you under?
When we hesitate to draw near to Him in these "empty" and "not enough" seasons, we can almost always point to shame as a culprit.
Shame creates self-contempt, it causes distraction, and makes us lose perspective. Shame colors our ability to see God in His grace and mercy, and rather than draw towards Him we draw away from Him. There's no place or need for shame as children of God.
If you are in a season where you just can't seem to keep up with the necessary, can I invite you to lean into His grace and mercy today? He's got you, friend. He will cover your multitude of faults and failures. And He will fill in the gaps until you are on your feet again.